Australian English Blooeudy roobeish!!?

When I landed down under for the first time, like all confused desi’s going abroad, I was slightly intimidated by the people here and felt vaguely insecure about my English! It’s a genuine feeling every non-native English speaker has when he enters an English speaking terrain. You are very conscious about how u speak, what u speak and understandably very anxious about your accent. To worsen things whenever someone leaves to Australia they are made conscious about the difficulty in coping with the famous Australian lingo, which has a reputation of being so complicated that bastard means a term of endearment. Even the Brits who visit down under are made uncomfortable and are made to feel challenged when they are greeted in a strange way! “Good day! How are you going?”. Frankly any fresh off the boat immigrant will be annoyed to hear “good day” as a greeting from a stranger, when you really are not having a very good day and what the !@#$ do they mean by “how are you going” by bus?! by train?! I don’t know?!.

Tried from a 15hr flight, trying to recoup from the bitterness of leaving home, family, friends I sulk and drag my baggage and struggle to carry my huge backpack into the immigration counter to clear my stuff. There was this cute firang chick who was more interested in scanning my baggage for any quarantine substances than greeting me with a good day. I started striking a conversation with her to break the ice and to check whether people down here understood what I speak. She replied cohesively to all my anxious queries making me happy about myself. I actually started liking her until she made me go through the pain of unpacking my bag to check whether a bar of Dove soap could be something edible or quarantine. As soon as they finish ransacking my baggage in the immigration counter I collected them and slowly started walking towards the exit nervous about what to expect. Suddenly a chubby Australian taxi driver sporting a David Boon mush and a beer belly says “good day might (mate). Where to??”. I responded “backpackers - yellow submarine, North quay street”. He leans back opens the door helped me with my baggage and mumbled under his breath in his weird Australian accent “Oh that’s back of bourke might”. I had the same quizzed look you people have on your faces. I had no clue of what he meant!. For a second I thought I mistook him to be an Australian, he might be French and was swearing at me?! I stared at him for a couple of minutes and he started laughing like a drunken Santa which made him weirder. He explained back of bourke means a very long way away. I had to hide my frustration by faking a nervous smile pondering what else is in stock for the rest of the ride. Though I don’t sound like “Appu” in Simpsons, this average Australian man could identify me readily as an average Indian. Though Australia was a British colony, I didn’t expect the chauffeur to say “ wheare to Miss/Sir” in an authentic British accent but come on who would expect “back of bourke???!!”

My hour’s trip to yellow submarine started with the cabbie getting 5 points for guessing I was from India and as everybody here strikes a conversation with an Indian, our conversation started with cricket. They somehow realize cricket is not just a sport in India but is a religion (which I firmly believe). He enquired about which part of India I was from and what my purpose of visit was. To my surprise he knew more about India than I expected. To reciprocate his inquisitiveness I had to enquire about him. I asked him where was he from? Does he drive a cab all day? His reply was “Might I was born in a small town in the outbacks of northern territory but I am a true Banana bender. Just a battler driving taxi in brissy” I had to wear the same look on my face when he said back of bourke for him to translate what he just said into legitimate English. Banana bender means a person from Queensland and battler is someone working hard and is just able to make a living. Finally I reach my destination and handed him the cab fare to which he said something. I thought I had given him the correct amount but wasn’t sure cuz I was still getting used to the currency here (have u come across a place where your 50paisa coin being bigger than a 2 ruppee coin? It does here!). I checked the meter again to realize what I handed him was the exact change. So again confused, I asked what did he say? He said “TA”. I asked him “Whats tat?” his reply was “TA might, TA means thankyou here”. I got so bloody frustrated so I said “NA”. This was his turn to get confused. He asked “whats that now?”. I gave him a smile and said in India “NA” means “No problem”.

The Australian lingo cannot be certified as a dialect but just pure laziness personified. They take the first half of a word and add a jazzy ending which has a rhyming syllable easy to pronounce. Let me talk you through a few examples for you to make a judgment for yourselves. Breakfast – BREKKIE ; Brisbane – BRISSY ; Australian – AUSSIE ; Barbecue – BARBIE ; Chewing gum – CHEWIE ; Truck driver – TRUCKIE ; small bottle of beer STUBBIE ; Chocolates – CHOKKIE ; Beer – COLDIE ; cigarette – ROLLIE ; Sunglasses – SUNNIES ; Underwear – GRUNDIES. The funniest of all is they haven’t even spared the mosquitoes – MOZZIE. Another phrase I detest is “No worries”. Before they deport me from Australia, someone really needs to clarify the meaning of “no worries” to me! It bites me when every immigrant coming into Australia starts using that phrase “no worries” with in a week of landing down under!! Do they think they gonna get permanent residency if they start using “No worries might”. God save them! Another example, Afternoon – ARVO when they can say “have a wonderful arvo!” why cant they just burn a few more calories and say “have a wonderful afternoon!?”

Anyway folks no worries, if i continue this list of examples I think I ll be typing all arvo! I assume that’s just the way the aussies are! For people aspiring to come down under lesson to be learn here is you bloody don't have to be embarrassed about your English as people here don't speak any good! Thanks for bearing with me while I could vent my frustration and finally I would like to conclude with the famous Jeffery boycott’s quote “even my grand moum (mum) can speak better English and the Australian lingo is blooeudy roobeish!!

Cheers!!